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Football News: Football Rumours Charity Match Review

Football Rumours Charity Match Review
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Just Like Watching Brazil v Walham Green East Wapping, Carpet Cleaning Rodent and Boggit Exterminating Association

- A Completely Unbiased Review


Finally the big day arrived for the two teams to contest the biggest trophy of the summer of football - the Matt Hawker Cup. Sure there is something going on in Russia, but it is hardly on the same level is it? Would the forces of good (JLWB) succeed in their battle against the axis of evil (WGEWCCR&BEA), despite the clear and obvious favouritism from the referee?

In the end it was a close run thing as evil just sneaked a win by a mere 4 goals to none. Sadly good was let down by a lack of tactics due to a piece of miscommunication caused by the elderly captain who misheard my instructions and spent 20 minutes in a local shop buying up their stock of tic tacs.

Both ken and benny baller have told me how odd it was to see 24 strangers meet, yet already all felt like friends and how enjoyable it was. They also said a lot of other nice things about the other players, how much fun it was and how they are all looking forward to doing it all again next year. However this is a match review, so I will leave the niceties there and just say thanks to everyone who took part and discuss the game.

There is really only one thing you need to know about the game - WE WUZ ROBBED! That slim 4-0 defeat was handed to them by the referee and the lack of VAR to overrule his clearly wrong decisions, other than on the WGEWCCR&BEA goal that was disallowed. Obviously done to try and keep suspicions to a minimum....

I think the most impressive thing was the athletic prowess on display, as 24 men powered around the pitch with the pace and verve of a pack of asthmatic snails, carrying heavy packs on their back and having smoked 50 woodbines a day for the last 50 years. There were times when I actually thought I saw someone break into a run, but it turned out to be a stumble, which was enough to leave them wheezing and gasping with hands on knees as they looked to recover from the exertion.

For those who have not yet got to see it, the best way to sum it up is to imagine 22 woefully out of shape (though round is a shape I guess) blokes have stumbled out of the pub at the end of a 3 day pub crawl to play a game of football on an ice field, while wearing carpet slippers. Oh and it being a game of walking football but you are watching a slow motion replay of it. That will give you some idea of the breathtaking quality on display.

It took me back to the times when I would visit me nan in her old folk's home and there would be all the old folks jostling each other in a race to get to the best seats for the bingo. It was a similar scene on the pitch, in terms of the age of participants as well as the speed and agility they showed. The only real difference was the lack of zimmer frames. Though that was only because Koppite68 was told he was not allowed to bring his on to the pitch.

002's Rogues:

1. Grandmaster ramrod (gk) they took to calling him 'Chris the Cat'. Not because of his prowess on the pitch, but because of his tendency to lick himself all over when he thought no one was looking. Should have been sent off early on, when he brutally assaulted MKS just as he was about to score. However the referee was busy tucking his WGEWCCR&BEA shirt into his shorts at the time and completely missed the blatant foul. Lucky not to concede 7 as my team went easy on them to make sure they would turn up next time.

2. SonofKlopp (Koppite68) (c) struggled to get over the loss of his zimmer and it showed throughout the game. Showed all the finesse of Patrice Evra on hearing analysis by Eni Aluko. Rescued his performance with an excellent speech when he received the trophy...

3. Shappy he was described as a lovely guy when I asked about his ability as a footballer. I think that just about sums it up, though I feel obligated to write a 15000 word essay as it is Shaps. His in depth, and lengthy, analysis is well known on the Man Utd site. Mainly for the fact that it is long and most people struggle to read anything that is longer than a twit or is it twa... oh no wait, it is tweet! He is the United page's answer to MK Scouser. Or should that be MKS is the Liverpool page's answer to Shappy?

4. Cotsi apparently this was the number each team gave to its weakest link so the other players would know to go easy on them. Luckily for him, my players adhered to that and allowed him to look much better than he was and give him a special day he can remember. Bless him.

5. Rustler the yellow of the kit brought out the colour of his eyes but sadly did nothing to bring out any skill. It was like a toddler playing his first game of football had joined in.

6. Jay2gd I am wondering what the 2gd stands for? Only 2 left foot would be 2lf. He did play the game in the right spirit though, or is that heavily inebriated on spirits? I am struggling to read benny's handwriting there on his note on Jay.

7. benny baller if he was in the FIFA game they would have to create a new level below Bronze, then a new level below that for the baller. Miles offside both times he put the ball in the net, though the linesman was asleep and missed one. All the skill, pace and soft touch of an elephant in concrete boots being stabbed with spears. Did a brilliant job organising the event and making sure he got a handpicked team of officials in place and yet still they could only scrape a narrow 4-0 victory.

8. Liver1980 another dodgy goal that VAR would have definitely ruled out, Liver1980 was key to the victory. He had the defence tied up in knots. Literally. Which is how he was able to score. His time in the Brownies as a kid taught him how to tie a mean reef knot.

9. Leelee14 one more to benefit from 'kind' refereeing decisions as his dubious (to be nice) goal was allowed to stand. I am wondering if he is some kind of ninja who went invisible, as MKS was complaining about having the least hair of anyone there despite being one of the youngest. Clearly he had not spotted Lee or perhaps was blinded by the sun reflecting off the shine from his bald patch? It was a bit like watching Tommy Smith play, but then Smith is in his 70s now to be fair.

10. Groomy5 his goal was as dubious as the other three, to contribute to the daylight robbery we witnessed. He really should have worn a mask while putting the ball in the net. Actually it would have been far better on the video footage, small kids will be having nightmares right now after witnessing him.

11. John from Wigan it was like watching a roly poly lumbering round the pitch as his bingo wings flapped around behind him. Clearly unsuited for any kind of physical activity, it might well have been the first time he got out of the chair the whole month long by the look of him. Heavily slowed down by the spare tire he was carrying around his waist....

Heart attack prevention player: Charlie Poulton he may have been meant to prevent heart attacks but he never stopped mine! Bambi on ice but with thinner legs.

001's legends:

1. Lewis (gk) a superb performance of grace and flying saves. Then they kicked off. It was like playing FIFA and letting the computer control the keeper. It was like Simon Mignolet in his prime.

2. ken (c) an inspirational captain who was brutally hacked down when in full flight. I would like to put to bed all the rumours that he did his training ahead of the day at the local swimming pool. It is simply not true, it was not local. For an elderly man he is very sprightly and uses his experience well to know exactly the right time to moan, if the right time is all the time. A special mention to his morale boosting shout of 'for fecks sake, he's fecking 12 years old' to a team mate who had just lost the ball in a tackle with a small child of about 7 years old.

3. Atko1982 skill, grace, power, technique, quality, all words that will never be used to describe his performance. He showed all the workrate of a narcoleptic mid attack. Though with a little less movement.

4. MK Scouser he has a lovely combover. Shame his stepover is not at the same level! Did make one run, that was him finished after that though. He was cynically chopped down, just as he was about to score, by the evil opposition's keeper. That was the moment that turned the game. His lengthy training regime of 2 push ups a day that he started a week before the event had clearly honed him to a level of fitness beyond all expectation.

5. Bxl red travelled all the way from Belgium to take part. Unfortunately the swim and walk to get to the game had clearly taken everything out of him as he was out on his feet after 5 seconds. Next time he will hopefully fly over. The embarrassment caused by him nutmegging an opponent caused the poor fella on the receiving end to substitute himself out of pure shame. Somehow he still ended up taking home the trophy, so I think that counts as a win for my team as we hold the trophy!

6. Red rout unfortunately he was on the receiving end of a rout. An incredibly lucky, flukey, jammy rout. Might have to consider a change of name, it clearly brought bad luck on my team and jinxed the whole occasion. There can be no other possible explanation, other than that they had the ref on their side, for their win.

7. MagicMarl not sure what was so magic about Marl, unless he is actually a magician? That might explain a thing or two about his performance as he has obviously spent his entire life pretending to be Harry Potter rather than kicking a ball about!

8. Mermaidmegger one thing is for sure, even if it were actually possible to meg a mermaid, it would not be our MM that did it. Though I did once see a documentary about mermaids, called Splash, which showed they have normal legs too, so perhaps it is possible and I am being harsh on MM? Otherwise the alternative is rather painful. I digress, a bit like MM from the masterful tactical plan I worked out in advance, I should be discussing his performance. Actually it was very like a scene from the documentary I mentioned, he was like John Candy on the squash court, with more beers.

9. Crouchy I am not sure if he chose the name because of his resemblance to Peter Crouch or because he likes to crouch? He did look reminiscent of Peter Crouch crouching come to think of it. The same rugged good looks that cause his sex symbol status of Crouch. Well I can't think of any other reason for beautiful women to be so attracted to the multi-millionaire footballer, can you? He also played a lot like Crouch looks, awkward.

10. Morro clearly some shenanigans going on here as he was pictured in the opposition kit for their celebratory photo of them getting the cup! So now I see how the defeat happened despite my carefully laid out plan and Ken's masterly and inspirational leadership, they had 12 men on their team against my ten. And the referee. I demand a recount! This is like Eurovision all over again when they rejected my song. I was cheated then and I am cheated again. They really are all out to get me.

11. Ricky just like Villa he was. No not Ricky Villa, I mean Aston Villa, but he has more money in his bank account and he only has £2.50 in his child saver's account left over from when he started it 20 years ago because he forgot the details and is unable to access it. If pace was a dirty word, he would be squeaky clean. If skill was a meal, he would go hungry. If vision was a, ah you get the idea.

Heart Attack Prevention Player: Jack Savins if only we could have replaced all 11 players at once it might have helped! He had an unenviable task trying to fill in for half a team that seemed to have gone missing somewhere between the coin toss and kick off. In the circumstances he did a great job of preventing anyone having a heart attack. Shame he did not do such a good job of playing football!

So to sum it up, it was a great day and they are all great lads who I am very proud of, even though my team lost. It really was a special occasion to see the first ever Matt Hawker trophy lifted. I know Matt, if he was still with us, would have loved it too. Everyone played it in the right spirit and we hit our target for the charities as well. Benny baller deserves an especial mention for organising it. Cheshire Red for his generous donation when he saw we were short of the £1000 target we had set and everyone that turned up on the day or watched it on FB. Thank you to Ed002 and ken, who provided the kits. Oh and thank you to my friend who let me borrow her FB account and watch it on her phone live. Though snatching it back every 20 seconds to check her messages was slightly annoying. Just because she had not seen her family for 3 years she seemed to think it was important to speak to them. Honestly some people are just born selfish!

Anyway, once again thank you all. It was fantastic because the people involved were all brilliant. Congratulations to Ed002 and his team of reprobates for lifting the trophy, and hopefully my boys will have better luck next year!

Written by Ed001 June 19 2018 10:32:50


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